They Say I'm Strong.

Tonight, I heard a phrase that I've heard countless times over the past year and a half.

"You are one of the most patient and strong women I've ever met."

I hate to say that I've heard it so many times that it's almost losing its meaning. But I feel like I just respond to it the same way every time now. "I have no choice." "I have to be patient/strong, or else I would lose my mind."

But it's true. I have no choice but to be strong in this situation. To be patient for the outcome, no matter what it is. Because honestly, what other choice do I have? To pull the covers over my head every single day? Deny reality? Sink into a deep unforgiving depression from which there is no return??

Nope.

When this was all first happening, I was (mentally) in a horrible place. I mean, I guess I was physically in a horrible place too, because I wasn't eating right, I was losing weight (and I'm not exactly heavy in the first place), and I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I never in my life knew what it was like to be mentally unstable, to be bipolar, to have extreme anxiety, and maybe I still don't, to the extreme of others. But I definitely got a taste of it. I certainly wasn't myself anymore AT ALL. I remember when I used to have three days off in a row...and sometimes I would spend all three of those days in bed, watching Netflix, not doing anything else, not opening my window blinds or showering or eating or anything except getting up to feed my cats and go to the bathroom myself. The days I had to go to work, I could manage. At least I had a goal at that point. But on the days I had no responsibilities....let's just say all hell could break loose.

I remember literally having the covers over my head for hours. I remember putting on the most depressing Youtube music videos just so I could sit in my room and sob to them. I remember the Cubs going through their World Series run....that one thing I thought I had waited my entire life for. But going through it without the one love of my life beside me, was the ultimate definition of bittersweet. On November 2, 2016, my Cubbies won the World Series. I was surrounded by friends and family....but that love of my life was absent. He had been taken from me by ICE three months before, and in that moment where I experienced something I never thought I would--the Cubs winning the World Series--what I always thought he would be with me for--he wasn't there. If you're not a Cubs fan, you might not be able to understand. But that was a pretty big deal, and a pretty sad, depressing moment for me.

The depression continued into 2017. It was a rollercoaster. Ups and downs. Bipolar emotions. Anxiety over and over again. Nights of watching music videos on Youtube and just crying to let it out.

Thank the Lord my life is so much better and calmer now. Obviously we had hoped for a better outcome, i.e. that he would be back home already. But that's not the case. But AT LEAST he is free, even if he's back down in Mexico. I've been down there four times now. Going back again hopefully next month. So I get to see him and actually BE WITH HIM. Of course I visited him while he was in custody--many times while he was in Wisconsin, even though it was behind glass and over a phone. But I didn't care. I drove five hours round trip multiple times just so I could see him and talk to him and give him the strength to know that I was willing to do that. When he got transferred down to Louisiana, and I found out they allowed contact at that facility, ohhhhh hell I booked that plane ticket RIGHT AWAY!! I will never forget that day, the first day in almost nine months, that I was able to finally HUG AND KISS my fiance, and yes I snuck in an ass-grab.....lol. But it was worth it all. And it solidified the fact that I would wait forever for this man.

But like I said, he's free now. I can go see him whenever I want. I am so fortunate to have a flexible job that allows me to do that, and Southwest Rewards that have allowed me to get enough points to pay for multiple trips to Mexico City!!

So I suppose, back to the whole "You're a patient and strong woman," deal. I have been hearing a lot of that over the past year and a half. And you know what? It feels good. It makes me feel good. When people tell me that I'm patient, or strong, or resilient, or whatever, I realize that I DID have a choice, and I DO have a choice, every day. I could choose to give up. I could have chosen that from the beginning. I knew, when David was taken into ICE custody, that I was probably going to lose him in the end. It's incredibly hard to fight ICE, to fight the US Federal Government. I think we both knew, no matter what we did, that he was going to end up back in Mexico in the end.

And he gave me an out. He told me point blank, from a phone call in the federal detention center: "Lauren, if you don't want to deal with this, it's okay. This is a serious situation, and if you want out, I get it. I'm totally okay with it."

My response?

"Are you kidding me? I said I would marry you. I wasn't lying. You are the love of my life and I'm IN THIS for life."

The fact of the matter is, David is the love of my life. My soulmate. Some people may say I'm overly romantic, idealistic, I fall in love too easily. But me, I know it. I knew right away that I could never be apart from him. Which was bad at the time but maybe isn't so bad now, lol. He is my person. My soulmate. The one I can't live without. MY LOBSTER!! And I will do anything if it means we can be together for good in the end.

Patience. Strength. Resilience. It comes naturally when you have someone that makes that all worth it.

I love you, David. And I will never stop fighting for you.