Sympathy vs. Empathy.

Sympathy vs. empathy. I always remember one of my college professors going into that concept in detail. It's the difference between me relaying my story to a friend, or a customer at my bar, or a family member, or an acquaintance. I tell them what is going on and how I feel. They are sympathetic to my situation because they feel badly for me. They wish I didn't have to go through this. They want things to be different for me. They feel sorry that I have to deal with this. I appreciate that, but I don't necessarily want it--do you know what I mean? I don't want anyone to pity me. I just want to relay the information of what I'm going through so people know and understand. But the sympathy, I could really do without. Although I appreciate that it's coming from a place of love and caring. It's hard to explain.

Now, when I'm a part of these groups of women on Facebook, American women who have Mexican husbands who have been deported and now they have to figure out their life going forward--it's a COMPLETELY different ballgame. It's EMPATHY. It's someone who is going through the same situation that I am, who understands what that means on every level, who can relate, who is actually feeling the same feelings that I am! The first time I found that was last March, when our lawyer put us in touch with a woman from Illinois whose husband was in custody at the same facility as David (down in Louisiana) and going through the same U-Visa process as we were. We ended up spending a good two hours on the phone together. I cannot even tell you how therapeutic that was, I would say something and she would be like "YES I KNOW!" and vice versa. It was like we were the same person talking. And for the first time since David had been taken into custody, I didn't feel *ALONE* in this situation. There was someone else in this world who was going through exactly the same thing. Who was trying to figure out what to do with her husband's business if he got deported (her husband did end up getting deported a little before David). Who was struggling with so many of the feelings I was as well. It was a comfort in a way. To have someone to relate to.

And then I started exploring groups on Facebook, visa groups and immigration groups. And I ended up being added to a private group for wives of men deported (not necessarily only to Mexico, but mainly Mexico and South America). And let me tell you--meeting hundreds of American women in one place who were in exactly the position I was.....it's life-changing. It's like one of those support groups in church basements, except it's online. And you can post whenever you want instead of having to wait for meetings, and people will listen and talk back. I can speak freely on there, and I can read others' candid thoughts and stories and relate. Like I said, it's a private group--you have to be recommended by someone and screened before you're added (Dude, I get it, this is a pretty sensitive topic nowadays) and most of us have formed a pretty good relationship. We can all post whenever we want, whatever we're feeling or going through, our experiences, our journeys. And everyone is so supportive of the others, because obviously we're all dealing with this horrible, painful, difficult time in our lives. Some of us are married, some are only engaged, some have kids, some are willing to relocate to Mexico, some can't because of obligations in the States, some are fighting their cases and others are just facing that there's nothing they can do so they have to choose between living apart and seeing each other only every so often, or relocating from America to Mexico. Regardless of it all, each and every one of these women's lives have been changed drastically. It's no longer a simple option of "Well you're married, can't you make him legal now?" because of all the laws put on the books in the past 20+ years. It's a long, difficult, expensive road and it isn't even guaranteed to be successful. It's so sad.

Anyway with that sidenote aside (lol) my point is that we are actually very blessed. A lot of couples in our position have it a lot worse. They have kids, the women have good, decent-paying jobs in America that would be hard to leave and relocate to Mexico, or they do leave their lives here but they are living in rural areas which is a COMPLETE culture shock, or they can't leave the country because of family obligations (caring for elderly or handicapped family members), or they move down there and can't find work (or at least anything that pays decent) because they don't speak the language, etc etc. With our situation, our assets, our long-term plan....we could live a good life down in Mexico City while we wait to hear about the U-Visa. And if that's denied, or even in the meantime, we could file the marriage petition (CR1 Visa), and once that goes through, we could start the waiver process. And cross our fingers like hell that his waiver will be approved.

And if it isn't, it looks like I'll be living in another country for the next 10 years....