Not The Chapter I Thought I Would Be Starting

I have not posted since before I last visited Mexico. Unfortunately, I will never be returning. I find it only fitting that the last post of this blog will be how this chapter ACTUALLY ended.

While I was in Mexico in February to visit my husband, I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he had working for him at his bar. I was there for a little less than a week before this happened and I cut my visit short. The entire visit really was incredibly messed up. I don't even feel like getting into it anymore because it's been so long. There was drug use, there was shady behavior, there was leaving me alone in the house for hours (and once overnight) not having any clue where he was, he was constantly trying to pick fights with me or insult me or whatever....it was just NOT a good visit. Capped off by me seeing pictures on this girl's phone of them kissing, cuddling, out to dinner together, on vacation together...needless to say, I was OUT of there.

I think I had kind of seen this coming. For a few months before my visit, David's behavior became very sketchy. He wasn't calling as much, he wasn't texting as much, he had a lot of excuses, I was constantly fighting for his attention only for HIM to turn it around on ME and act like I was asking too much...being upset with me because I wasn't "understanding" enough of his excuses....and basically almost pushing for ME to end things because of all this. Red flags started going up in about November. By December, two more incidents happened that brought up more red flags. By the time I got there in February, the red flags were just all over the place. And I was looking for it. And I found it.

Like I said, I left as soon as I could after I found out. While I was waiting for my Uber, he went back and forth between begging me to stay and making excuses for his behavior, going so far as to blame ME. I think he was high on cocaine while this was all happening. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there, couldn't look at him, could barely feel anything to be honest. I think I was so numb after all the emotions I had gone through during that visit, that I had no more emotion left to give. It was over. That was clear to me. And nothing that he said or did at this point could change my mind. So I left. He begged for one last hug (are you fucking CRAZY?!) and the last thing I ever said to him was "Are you kidding me? I can't even LOOK at you, let alone TOUCH you." My Uber was pulling up, and he helped load my bags into it. He told me to have a good trip as I walked away...I barely heard him, did not respond, got into the Uber, and never looked back.

He called while I was at a friend's house awaiting my flight later that day. Asking if I got there okay. Asking if there was anything, ANYTHING he could do to fix this. Begging me not to leave. Telling me he had a problem. Telling me he needed help. Groveling, begging, pleading...all for naught, because I was LEAVING. I told him there was no way to fix this. I was going back to Chicago and I was never coming back. And you cannot repair a relationship from 2000 miles away and two countries apart. I told him that he DID have a problem. And that he DID need help. And that he SHOULD go get it. But that I would not be around for it because I would be back in America to stay. I wasn't taking yet another trip just to deal with lies and deception and hurt and betrayal. And he sure as shit is never coming back to America.

So that was where we left it. He asked to keep in touch over the next few days, to which I responded that I didn't think that was a very good idea. I got on that plane at 4:00 that afternoon, and I went home for good.

The next few weeks were naturally an emotional rollercoaster. We still had to keep in touch due to some obvious logistics that needed to be figured out. He went from hating me to saying he would do anything to get back to me to hating me again to throwing this girl in my face. I had my fair share of hours put in huddled in bed. I dragged myself to work and fought as hard as I could just to make it through my shifts. I made a breakup playlist on my phone and listened to it EVERYWHERE.

But I also talked about it. I was very vocal on social media what had happened--because I had been very vocal on social media about our whole journey up to that point. I got together with incredibly supportive friends and have a very supportive family who gave me their ears, their opinions, and allowed me to figure out so many things. I had a network of other deportee wives that had gone through the same thing that I could share thoughts and emotions with. And the more I talked about it, the more therapeutic it was. The more I realized I was not at all to blame. The more I realized I didn't deserve this shit--that I'm worth sooo much more than that!

I can actually pinpoint the exact moment I turned the corner. It was three weeks to the day that I returned from Mexico. I had been thinking about a lot, and took to Facebook to turn my thoughts into words. It was an incredibly long post, but incredibly cathartic for me. And as soon as I clicked "Post", I knew I was going to be just fine.

And here we are, almost three months since what I thought at that time was the worst day of my life--but was maybe actually one of the best, in disguise. I have ceased all contact with David. I changed my number, I block him on social media, and I have no desire at all to get in contact with him. Because of the steps I took before my last visit to Mexico, I am in a good place to get my shit together financially and really in every other way.

I feel as though, for the past two and a half years, I have been living my life for someone else, and doing just enough to be able to get by. I have struggled financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have fought for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. I have given EVERYTHING to someone who, honestly, gave me NOTHING in return. And I overlooked it all because I was blinded by what I *thought* was love. I *thought* he was the love of my life, my soulmate. But the truth is, a soulmate would never ever do something like that. They would never ever treat their soulmate like he treated me. So screw that.

To be honest though, I truly have a new lease on life. My life was on hold for SO long and I wasn't really living at all. I was always looking forward to what was going to be. My next visit to Mexico. Planning and trying to make something happen eventually in the future, with my move and trying to get David's papers. I neglected friendships, I neglected relationships, I neglected responsibilities, and I neglected myself. NO MORE. I have a new mindset--I want to LIVE AGAIN!! My life is now MY OWN LIFE to live from this point forward. I have already started taking advantage of that. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new friends. I'm taking advantage of opportunities to be social. I'm trying new things, new experiences, new foods, new wines, whatever. I want to travel and see all these friends I have all around the country. I'm starting to take care of myself again. I'm going back to the gym. I'm starting to eat right. I'm journaling. I'm picking up old hobbies--reading, photography, rollerblading, going to baseball games, among many other things.

And the most important thing--I FEEL HAPPY. I feel like the old Lauren again! I've always been a very happy-go-lucky, laid-back, sarcastic, fun kind of person. I like to laugh and dance and joke and sing and be everybody's friend. And I'm BACK to that. I might have put on a front for a long time, but now I can actually FEEL that it's genuine once again. People are telling me I look happier and healthier and better, and I honestly feel that down to my soul.

This is truly Lauren 2.0. I'm so excited about the road I'm going down right now....and I will never look back.

VIVA LAUREN!!

Another Page Turned, Another Chapter Started

And so here I sit, in the Houston airport, awaiting my connecting flight to Mexico City! In just a few short hours, I will be back in the arms of the man I love more than anything. This has been a long time coming, but it will soooo be worth it!

These past few weeks have been just never ending stress. I had to really get my butt in gear to get everything out of the house. It was a CHALLENGE! You don't realize how much STUFF you accumulate living in the same place for almost 10 years. And then the fact I'm moving in with my mom pretty much means that I had to take four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a basement and a garage worth of stuff.....and fit it into the one room I will be staying in. What?! Needless to say, I sold and donated and threw away a TON OF STUFF. I have to say, it wasn't hard to let go of most of it. During a process like this, you realize the things that are important, and the things that you kept around for so many years "just because."

I was worried I wouldn't finish in time, despite my boss giving me three days off in a row this past week to tackle whatever I had left to do. Unfortunately, those plans were a little bit interrupted by a *polar vortex* (UGH) that put a dent in my plans to move a lot of stuff over to my mom's, or to work in the garage or the basement, since it was just TOO. DAMN. COLD. (Literally--a 50 degree below zero wind chill). So sadly, I had to move my departing flight to Monday (today) as opposed to Sunday (yesterday) just so I could use the last two *warm* days to finish up tying up my loose ends.

I got everything done, for the most part! Luckily, my tenant is allowing me to leave some things unfinished, and when I get back I will tackle those at that time. I'm so fortunate to have someone so understanding!

Moving out of the house was emotional. It didn't really hit me much while I was packing and moving and throwing things out, but with the final load in my car, the final walkthrough of the house, making sure the thermostat was turned down and the lights were all turned off...it was getting to me. And then I got into my car and took one last look as I drove away and it really sunk in--that's not my house anymore. I'm not going to be living there anymore. I won't be in Brookfield. It's crazy.

I think I captured my feelings best in the Facebook post I made yesterday while contemplating my final day in the house:

"The final day in this house. The house I've lived in for almost 10 years. The house I never thought I'd be moving out of. The house I thought David and I might be starting a family in. There are emotions; they might be eclipsed by the stress of last-minute moving and tying up loose ends, but they're there. So many memories in this house. A lot of good--some pretty rough. How many people have lived in these rooms? (Answer: 12!!) How many friends and family have passed through these doors? How many parties have been thrown in the basement/backyard? How many summer nights did David and I spend out there together, glasses of wine and fires going in the firepit...Vicky playing in the pool with the neighbor kids...riding her bike around and drawing with sidewalk chalk? We made this house a home. It has truly been "lived in." There are a million memories here and it's very bittersweet having to leave it all behind...but the memories will stay with us always. It's time to move on to the next chapter and begin making new memories together. Time to pass the baton to Jeffrey Sturt so that he and his family can start making new memories in this house!


I am really going to miss it here. I love my house. I love living in Brookfield (well, for the most part). I love being so close to everything. I love my amazing neighbors and I really will miss you all. Life is always changing and never ever listens to our plans, but it's okay. This is a huge step in a new direction, and it's time to take those steps to get back to the love of my life for good.

Here's to the next chapter and the next adventure in life!!"

And so it begins. Heading to Mexico City to be with my man again! Unfortunately only for a week this time, but before we know it, it will be for good!!

I'll leave this post with the song that was playing as I drove away from my house for the last time...very appropriate for the moment, as well as the last couple of years in general. 

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Looking to the Future

Happy New Year, everyone.

It's crunch time for me. I have less than a month to get everything out of this house...including my own ass ;-) Today was really a breakthrough. Thankfully David was able to cut a deal with a couple guys he knows to get about 70% of the stuff in the garage, OUT of the garage, and a decent amount of money our way for that. I got so much out of there, that I was actually able to park my car IN THE GARAGE tonight for the first time in like five years!! Went out and bought a garage door opener even. At least I can keep my Xterra inside for the next month-ish of this winter, haha.

I've been getting rid of furniture as well lately. Selling quite a few things. I figure whatever I can't sell, I'll allow my future tenant to either keep, or if he doesn't want, I'll donate. I've decided to stop being stressed and anxious about all the stuff I have to get rid of....and anything I can't sell/get some money for, I'll just donate in the end. Obviously I would like to get as much money as possible from all the stuff I'm getting rid of (don't mean to sound greedy, but money is going to be imperative to the goal I have for the next couple years). 

Tomorrow will be my day to go through all the "nostalgic" things in the basement and figure out what is actually worth keeping and what I need to get rid of. Lots of papers and DVDs and VHS's and random crap to sort through. Time to really realize what is important to keep and what can be let go of.

I've also decided I'm going to end each blog entry with a featured song. My love of music and being able to find songs to relate to through this whole ordeal has really kept me (somewhat) sane, so I want to be able to share some of that through this blog. So the featured song today, to kick things off, is going to be the song I was listening to as the plane was landing in CDMX during my last visit in July....it was kismet that this song started as I was looking out the window at the Mexico City skyline with excitement filling my whole being knowing I was going to be back "home" for 10 days with the love of my life, and this song captured that perfectly. Rather Be - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne

Another Year Over....

Wow. And so 2019 is upon us.

I can't believe it. I can't believe that August 2016 is when this whole nightmare started. I can't believe that Christmas 2015 is the last Christmas that David and I spent together. And now here we are, entering 2019. It's like....time has gone by so freaking slow, but so freaking fast all at once. I just don't get it.

I feel like 2018 was the Year I Didn't Care. Like, honestly. Everything I did in 2018 was working toward the next time I would get to go down to Mexico to see David. I got to go down there in January, April, and July, so pretty much any time I wasn't in Mexico, I was working to save up money to go to Mexico. I wanted to go in October for our first wedding anniversary, but we both agreed that we should just focus on working and saving money and me actually taking care of stuff here in the States so that I can get down to Mexico for good ASAP!

So basically my year was working, traveling to Mexico, and not caring about much else, really. I spent time with my family and those friends closest to me, but other than that....my routine was pretty boring and consistent. Especially once the holidays rolled around, I was a big pile of "don't give a shit" to be honest. I didn't decorate barely at all. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, but this year I honestly....again, I just didn't care! I put a wreath on my door, and that was the extent of my decorations. I never once turned on 93.9 (the "Holiday Lite") in my car or wherever. I would listen to/enjoy Christmas music at work, sure. As far as shopping and preparing...me, my mom, and my brother all agreed not to exchange gifts. So thankfully, I had no stress as far as that went. Christmas was very low key with the three of us. And then it was over. And now it's almost New Years.

But as much as 2018 was my "Year I Just Don't Care"...2019 is going to be the year I turn it all around. Big things are happening, people! January is going to be quite the month, as I'm renting out my house starting in February, so I need to get anything and everything out of this house by the end of the month and then....I'm moving back in with my mom! Whaaaaaat. Yes, after a little over 12 years of not living with my parents....I'm moving back in with my mother. Sooo that should be interesting.

Not gonna lie, it's kind of awesome how the whole situation happened. So I was originally planning to sell my house just to cleanse my hands of it and not have to deal with it anymore. My roommate is moving out at the end of January and I had wanted to have it pretty much ready to sell by then. However, my financial situation hasn't exactly been "stable" since all this started happening two and a half years ago, and having a roommate has really helped me keep my head above water. Realizing I was going to lose that--and that my house was nowhere NEAR ready to sell--was kind of pressing on me.

But then this situation just sort of fell into my lap. A friend of ours was looking for a house to rent in the west burbs. I just so happened to have a house I was willing to rent out in the west burbs. We got in contact, went over some basic logistics, and BAM....decided I would rent my house to him!

And that was the first domino that set the whole rest of my plan into motion. I'm going to be out of here by February. I will have steady (modest) money coming in from the rent I am collecting. I will be living with my mom and therefore my financial burden will be lessened SIGNIFICANTLY and all the stress and anxiety and depression I have been experiencing over the last two years will hopefully finally start to decrease! At the same time, I will be able to save money and pay off my car and pay down debts and get everything in order to finally make the move to Mexico for "good"....whatever that should mean.

So basically my timeline is this: Get moved into my mom's house by the end of January. I will travel to Mexico February 2-12. I'll take down as much stuff as possible at that time. When I come back, continue to work and save money as much as possible. Maybe make another trip in April, taking down even more stuff. Possibly one of the cats, if David is receptive to that (lol). Come back for a couple more months, and then hopefully by June be ready to get down there for good!

Ideally I would like to be down there for 3-4 months, then come back for a couple months to work, rinse and repeat. But that's something that will be played by ear. I'm looking into a couple remote employment positions that I could take while I'm down there, earning USD, so we'll just have to see how those pan out.

All things considered, I'm incredibly optimistic for 2019. These past couple years, it's all been speculation and "I'm going to try for this" or whatever. But now I have a concrete plan. There's a light at the end of the tunnel and I can finally see the day when I'll be back with my love for good! I can't wait!!!

Christmastime is Here.....

And so another Christmas is upon us.

This will be my third Christmas without David here. It doesn't ever get any easier. I was looking at pictures from December of 2015 and I thought to myself...that was the last Christmas we were actually together here?! How can that be? I feel so robbed...my last three holiday seasons have been wasted, taken from me somehow...Christmas is my favorite time of year and I can't even get into it anymore. This year, I put a wreath on my door. That's it. That's the effort I put into my decorating. No tree, no lights, no decorations. They all remain in their boxes in the basement. The only time I listen to Christmas music is at work. My family and I aren't exchanging gifts because none of us have the time or the money, so we agreed just to not do it at all. It's going to be a low-key day at my mom's--just me, my mom, and my brother. And all that is okay with me.

I know that one day things will be different. Things will be back to normal. Not right away, of course. But at least next year at this time I will be down in Mexico to stay, so David and I once again will have birthdays/holidays/Christmas together, as it should be. And after that....once the visa is approved and the waivers are filed and THOSE are approved...he will be back here in the States where he BELONGS. With his wife...with his daughter....with his parents and his siblings and their families. We will eventually have kids of our own. And our Christmases will return to the happy, joyous, family-filled occasions they are supposed to be.

I cannot wait for that day...

Long Time, No See!

I'm so disappointed in myself. I haven't been keeping up this blog as well as I have wanted to. But that's okay. It's going to change in this new year coming up. Lots of things are changing and lots of progress is going to be made.

I sadly haven't been back to Mexico since my last trip (which I unfortunately didn't finish blogging about). David and I both made the decision that I wouldn't come back in October, even though I wanted to because it was our first wedding anniversary, because of financial reasons for the most part. I already had a wedding in Florida that I was traveling to for a long weekend, and although I had wanted to piggyback even just a few days in Mexico City onto that trip, I knew it wasn't realistic or smart financially. So no, I didn't go.

That leads us to here. Almost mid-December, and I haven't seen him in almost five months. This is the longest we've gone since this whole debacle started. I have no idea how I've made it. Not gonna lie, it's been a really, really tough stretch of time.

I just wanted to make this post as kind of an update post, like "I'm still here, we're still working on it" but I think in the next weeks coming up, I'm going to start getting a little more serious and in-depth about our story, about what exactly we've been through the past couple years, what we're expecting and looking forward to in the coming months....and then go from there.

Thanks for reading, those of you who do!

Trip #6, Days #6-7-8

On Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, David had to open his bar, so unfortunately we couldn't really take much advantage of those days. On Friday, he ran errands to get supplies for the weekend while I lazed around a little bit. When he opened the bar, we were there, talking and hanging out with everyone, I mean it was like being at a bar with friends, just with the difference that my husband owned it and I got to drink for "free". Haha. We were supposed to go out dancing with David's cousin and some of her friends on Friday night for someone's birthday, but unfortunately that fell through because of the birthday boy's unexpected work obligations. Oh well....next time....!

On Saturday it was more of the same. I joined David on his trip to pick up more stuff for the bar/restaurant. Then we came back to open the bar. At one point I was really hungry, and we FINALLY headed around the corner to our *PORK CHOP TACO!* place! It's a small stand that's only open on Saturday and Sunday, and the Sunday I got in, we tried to go, but it had closed already. So we waited ALL WEEK for Saturday and finally went with Oscar to get my favorite tacos de chuleta. You guys, they are soooo good. So....I was pretty happy about that!

After the tacos, we went back to the bar for a little bit. Things were a little slow, and David ended up closing right at 1:00....and then those of us who were still there headed a few blocks down for a street party that was going on! It was a lot of fun. We drank, danced, danced some more, drank some more. Then we headed back to the house and met up with some guys hanging out in front of the Abarrotes down the street from David's house. We talked, we laughed, they made me say stuff in Spanish and we laughed some more. All in all, it was a great night, lots of fun and we were all able to let loose.

On Sunday...well, let's just say we were all out very late on Saturday night. Sunday was a late start. But we opened the bar again. Business was steady, but there were a couple potential troublemakers there that night. David did a great job handling them, I will say. They kept trying to pick fights with people. Obviously, David could take them on easily. But 1) he's not going to put himself in that position, and 2) he's risking retaliation at his home/business if he does. So he kind of talked them down a little bit (it was actually only one of the two guys that was acting that way) and then ended up closing early (i.e. kicking them out). Turns out this guy still had his "I'LL FIGHT ANYONE!" attitude on the street....which ended up in him getting his butt kicked! Not by anyone involved with the bar, just to let you know. And I can't believe I was upstairs this whole time and heard and saw NOTHING! I'm so bummed I missed out on a real Mexican street fight XD

Anyway, once the bar was closed up and locked up, I went back downstairs, and hung out with David, the girls that work for him (Racquel and Red), and Oscar and Alma. We just sat around talking and listening to music for a while until everyone finally drifted out and went home.