Not The Chapter I Thought I Would Be Starting

I have not posted since before I last visited Mexico. Unfortunately, I will never be returning. I find it only fitting that the last post of this blog will be how this chapter ACTUALLY ended.

While I was in Mexico in February to visit my husband, I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl he had working for him at his bar. I was there for a little less than a week before this happened and I cut my visit short. The entire visit really was incredibly messed up. I don't even feel like getting into it anymore because it's been so long. There was drug use, there was shady behavior, there was leaving me alone in the house for hours (and once overnight) not having any clue where he was, he was constantly trying to pick fights with me or insult me or whatever....it was just NOT a good visit. Capped off by me seeing pictures on this girl's phone of them kissing, cuddling, out to dinner together, on vacation together...needless to say, I was OUT of there.

I think I had kind of seen this coming. For a few months before my visit, David's behavior became very sketchy. He wasn't calling as much, he wasn't texting as much, he had a lot of excuses, I was constantly fighting for his attention only for HIM to turn it around on ME and act like I was asking too much...being upset with me because I wasn't "understanding" enough of his excuses....and basically almost pushing for ME to end things because of all this. Red flags started going up in about November. By December, two more incidents happened that brought up more red flags. By the time I got there in February, the red flags were just all over the place. And I was looking for it. And I found it.

Like I said, I left as soon as I could after I found out. While I was waiting for my Uber, he went back and forth between begging me to stay and making excuses for his behavior, going so far as to blame ME. I think he was high on cocaine while this was all happening. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there, couldn't look at him, could barely feel anything to be honest. I think I was so numb after all the emotions I had gone through during that visit, that I had no more emotion left to give. It was over. That was clear to me. And nothing that he said or did at this point could change my mind. So I left. He begged for one last hug (are you fucking CRAZY?!) and the last thing I ever said to him was "Are you kidding me? I can't even LOOK at you, let alone TOUCH you." My Uber was pulling up, and he helped load my bags into it. He told me to have a good trip as I walked away...I barely heard him, did not respond, got into the Uber, and never looked back.

He called while I was at a friend's house awaiting my flight later that day. Asking if I got there okay. Asking if there was anything, ANYTHING he could do to fix this. Begging me not to leave. Telling me he had a problem. Telling me he needed help. Groveling, begging, pleading...all for naught, because I was LEAVING. I told him there was no way to fix this. I was going back to Chicago and I was never coming back. And you cannot repair a relationship from 2000 miles away and two countries apart. I told him that he DID have a problem. And that he DID need help. And that he SHOULD go get it. But that I would not be around for it because I would be back in America to stay. I wasn't taking yet another trip just to deal with lies and deception and hurt and betrayal. And he sure as shit is never coming back to America.

So that was where we left it. He asked to keep in touch over the next few days, to which I responded that I didn't think that was a very good idea. I got on that plane at 4:00 that afternoon, and I went home for good.

The next few weeks were naturally an emotional rollercoaster. We still had to keep in touch due to some obvious logistics that needed to be figured out. He went from hating me to saying he would do anything to get back to me to hating me again to throwing this girl in my face. I had my fair share of hours put in huddled in bed. I dragged myself to work and fought as hard as I could just to make it through my shifts. I made a breakup playlist on my phone and listened to it EVERYWHERE.

But I also talked about it. I was very vocal on social media what had happened--because I had been very vocal on social media about our whole journey up to that point. I got together with incredibly supportive friends and have a very supportive family who gave me their ears, their opinions, and allowed me to figure out so many things. I had a network of other deportee wives that had gone through the same thing that I could share thoughts and emotions with. And the more I talked about it, the more therapeutic it was. The more I realized I was not at all to blame. The more I realized I didn't deserve this shit--that I'm worth sooo much more than that!

I can actually pinpoint the exact moment I turned the corner. It was three weeks to the day that I returned from Mexico. I had been thinking about a lot, and took to Facebook to turn my thoughts into words. It was an incredibly long post, but incredibly cathartic for me. And as soon as I clicked "Post", I knew I was going to be just fine.

And here we are, almost three months since what I thought at that time was the worst day of my life--but was maybe actually one of the best, in disguise. I have ceased all contact with David. I changed my number, I block him on social media, and I have no desire at all to get in contact with him. Because of the steps I took before my last visit to Mexico, I am in a good place to get my shit together financially and really in every other way.

I feel as though, for the past two and a half years, I have been living my life for someone else, and doing just enough to be able to get by. I have struggled financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have fought for someone who wouldn't do the same for me. I have given EVERYTHING to someone who, honestly, gave me NOTHING in return. And I overlooked it all because I was blinded by what I *thought* was love. I *thought* he was the love of my life, my soulmate. But the truth is, a soulmate would never ever do something like that. They would never ever treat their soulmate like he treated me. So screw that.

To be honest though, I truly have a new lease on life. My life was on hold for SO long and I wasn't really living at all. I was always looking forward to what was going to be. My next visit to Mexico. Planning and trying to make something happen eventually in the future, with my move and trying to get David's papers. I neglected friendships, I neglected relationships, I neglected responsibilities, and I neglected myself. NO MORE. I have a new mindset--I want to LIVE AGAIN!! My life is now MY OWN LIFE to live from this point forward. I have already started taking advantage of that. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new friends. I'm taking advantage of opportunities to be social. I'm trying new things, new experiences, new foods, new wines, whatever. I want to travel and see all these friends I have all around the country. I'm starting to take care of myself again. I'm going back to the gym. I'm starting to eat right. I'm journaling. I'm picking up old hobbies--reading, photography, rollerblading, going to baseball games, among many other things.

And the most important thing--I FEEL HAPPY. I feel like the old Lauren again! I've always been a very happy-go-lucky, laid-back, sarcastic, fun kind of person. I like to laugh and dance and joke and sing and be everybody's friend. And I'm BACK to that. I might have put on a front for a long time, but now I can actually FEEL that it's genuine once again. People are telling me I look happier and healthier and better, and I honestly feel that down to my soul.

This is truly Lauren 2.0. I'm so excited about the road I'm going down right now....and I will never look back.

VIVA LAUREN!!

Another Page Turned, Another Chapter Started

And so here I sit, in the Houston airport, awaiting my connecting flight to Mexico City! In just a few short hours, I will be back in the arms of the man I love more than anything. This has been a long time coming, but it will soooo be worth it!

These past few weeks have been just never ending stress. I had to really get my butt in gear to get everything out of the house. It was a CHALLENGE! You don't realize how much STUFF you accumulate living in the same place for almost 10 years. And then the fact I'm moving in with my mom pretty much means that I had to take four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a basement and a garage worth of stuff.....and fit it into the one room I will be staying in. What?! Needless to say, I sold and donated and threw away a TON OF STUFF. I have to say, it wasn't hard to let go of most of it. During a process like this, you realize the things that are important, and the things that you kept around for so many years "just because."

I was worried I wouldn't finish in time, despite my boss giving me three days off in a row this past week to tackle whatever I had left to do. Unfortunately, those plans were a little bit interrupted by a *polar vortex* (UGH) that put a dent in my plans to move a lot of stuff over to my mom's, or to work in the garage or the basement, since it was just TOO. DAMN. COLD. (Literally--a 50 degree below zero wind chill). So sadly, I had to move my departing flight to Monday (today) as opposed to Sunday (yesterday) just so I could use the last two *warm* days to finish up tying up my loose ends.

I got everything done, for the most part! Luckily, my tenant is allowing me to leave some things unfinished, and when I get back I will tackle those at that time. I'm so fortunate to have someone so understanding!

Moving out of the house was emotional. It didn't really hit me much while I was packing and moving and throwing things out, but with the final load in my car, the final walkthrough of the house, making sure the thermostat was turned down and the lights were all turned off...it was getting to me. And then I got into my car and took one last look as I drove away and it really sunk in--that's not my house anymore. I'm not going to be living there anymore. I won't be in Brookfield. It's crazy.

I think I captured my feelings best in the Facebook post I made yesterday while contemplating my final day in the house:

"The final day in this house. The house I've lived in for almost 10 years. The house I never thought I'd be moving out of. The house I thought David and I might be starting a family in. There are emotions; they might be eclipsed by the stress of last-minute moving and tying up loose ends, but they're there. So many memories in this house. A lot of good--some pretty rough. How many people have lived in these rooms? (Answer: 12!!) How many friends and family have passed through these doors? How many parties have been thrown in the basement/backyard? How many summer nights did David and I spend out there together, glasses of wine and fires going in the firepit...Vicky playing in the pool with the neighbor kids...riding her bike around and drawing with sidewalk chalk? We made this house a home. It has truly been "lived in." There are a million memories here and it's very bittersweet having to leave it all behind...but the memories will stay with us always. It's time to move on to the next chapter and begin making new memories together. Time to pass the baton to Jeffrey Sturt so that he and his family can start making new memories in this house!


I am really going to miss it here. I love my house. I love living in Brookfield (well, for the most part). I love being so close to everything. I love my amazing neighbors and I really will miss you all. Life is always changing and never ever listens to our plans, but it's okay. This is a huge step in a new direction, and it's time to take those steps to get back to the love of my life for good.

Here's to the next chapter and the next adventure in life!!"

And so it begins. Heading to Mexico City to be with my man again! Unfortunately only for a week this time, but before we know it, it will be for good!!

I'll leave this post with the song that was playing as I drove away from my house for the last time...very appropriate for the moment, as well as the last couple of years in general. 

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Looking to the Future

Happy New Year, everyone.

It's crunch time for me. I have less than a month to get everything out of this house...including my own ass ;-) Today was really a breakthrough. Thankfully David was able to cut a deal with a couple guys he knows to get about 70% of the stuff in the garage, OUT of the garage, and a decent amount of money our way for that. I got so much out of there, that I was actually able to park my car IN THE GARAGE tonight for the first time in like five years!! Went out and bought a garage door opener even. At least I can keep my Xterra inside for the next month-ish of this winter, haha.

I've been getting rid of furniture as well lately. Selling quite a few things. I figure whatever I can't sell, I'll allow my future tenant to either keep, or if he doesn't want, I'll donate. I've decided to stop being stressed and anxious about all the stuff I have to get rid of....and anything I can't sell/get some money for, I'll just donate in the end. Obviously I would like to get as much money as possible from all the stuff I'm getting rid of (don't mean to sound greedy, but money is going to be imperative to the goal I have for the next couple years). 

Tomorrow will be my day to go through all the "nostalgic" things in the basement and figure out what is actually worth keeping and what I need to get rid of. Lots of papers and DVDs and VHS's and random crap to sort through. Time to really realize what is important to keep and what can be let go of.

I've also decided I'm going to end each blog entry with a featured song. My love of music and being able to find songs to relate to through this whole ordeal has really kept me (somewhat) sane, so I want to be able to share some of that through this blog. So the featured song today, to kick things off, is going to be the song I was listening to as the plane was landing in CDMX during my last visit in July....it was kismet that this song started as I was looking out the window at the Mexico City skyline with excitement filling my whole being knowing I was going to be back "home" for 10 days with the love of my life, and this song captured that perfectly. Rather Be - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne